For all you speed freaks out there, here's the fastest car on Planet Earth, the Porsche 9FF GT9, test driven to the maxage! But what about the Shelby Ultimate Aero I hear you cry, or the Giblet Platinum Malteser? Well, I'll let you fight it out, but this is still a great car.

986 horse power, no traction control, no DSG gear box, one wing mirror, no airbags and it can beat Marty's DeLorean back to 1955. Chris Harris chats with its proud parent Jan 'The Man' Fatthauer about this awesome piece of machinery, it's f#cking scalectric!

If Beelzebub was visiting relatives in Swindon tomorrow, he'd be rocking out of hell in one of these bad boys. Jeremy Clarkson stains his sheets each night dreaming about shutting his weiner in the car's bonnet, that's how cool this car is.

Plus they raced this at Monte Carlo against Superman and the Flash, they cried heroic tears because it whipped their puny asses, they had a dust sandwich with a side of rubber for dinner that night!

Do you rate Kanye West as a supreme being, is he, for you, the high water mark of civilisation, the reason we were put upon this Earth, our hip-hop saviour? I think at times he likes to consider himself as much - music's answer to life-giving water, a man who considers himself so important he's an as yet unknown Law of Physics.

Or, perhaps, when scientists finally switch back on the LHC at CERN they will discover that the Higgs boson - the particle that will explain how massless elementary particles cause matter to have mass, known as the god particle due to its importance - well they'll discover that it's actually Kanye West, he is the thing that gives matter mass. His little face will be looking back at them, with winged angels buzzing about worshipping at the divine altar of his trendily venetian-blind-bespectacled head, and God the almighty on his righteous knees sucking Kanye's weiner like the holy trinity depended on it.

That's how important he thinks he is.